A MESSAGE FOR ADULT CHILDREN

You think Mom should no longer live alone in that rambling house with its large yard. Does she eat healthfully? What are her finances? Mom is extremely trusting; she could so easily be the victim of a scam. She seems to be donating an exorbitant amount of money to charities. She suddenly seems to be hesitant to ask we kids for advice or help; is she in denial or fearful about her future? How does Mom feel about this phase of her life? How do I even introduce these topics? (Wringing of hands!)

How dare Mom and Dad move away and SELL MY childhood home! The place of my birth!! What will happen to all MY childhood and college memorabilia stored in the attic/garage/my old bedroom? (Wringing of hands, shaking of head in disbelief!)

Mom and Dad want to downsize and move. But, there is 50 years accumulation in that house!! Mom and Dad are packrats. How will I ever deal with all that ?stuff?? Where do I begin? I don?t have time with my job and the kids? sports schedules (Wringing of hands, plus breaking out in a sweat!)

How can I support Mom and Dad without interfering?

There are infinite scenarios involving varied family dynamics (which make our job interesting). There is a saying, "Aging is not for sissies". Well, being adult children of aging parents is not for sissies, either. (Your parents may not have thought parenting was a piece of cake either.) Aging is a time of change for your parents and "change is pain".

First of all, there is often reluctance in having the financial or life-style change discussion with parents. These days, folks may outlive their retirement savings; it is imperative that you know the financial situation. If not already involved, get involved in whatever way is appropriate for your family's circumstances. Bite the bullet even if it is uncomfortable for you.

Many people are unaware of all the senior living options now available; is this the case with your parents? Do they have outdated perceptions about retirement communities? How do you even introduce the topic? Think about the best strategy for your parents, rehearse your opening, or involve an outsider from one of the aging resources in your area. Tread carefully.

Then, there is the case where you gently suggest, cajole, plead, and beg Mom and/or Dad until you are literally "blue in the face" (or "red in the face" from frustration). All to no avail when it is so darn obvious! (Hey, did you listen to Mom and Dad when you were a teen-ager?) Call in a professional. That happened with our in-laws; after several years of gentle urging from all the kids, they became extremely defensive in their late 80s. They said, "Don't need any help; bug out!" But, fifteen-minutes with a social services representative, and, yes, Mom and Dad agreed they needed help. Also, remember aging is gradual process; your parents may not have stopped to realize the accumulation of diminished abilities affecting daily life (like cooking, housekeeping, and yard maintenance). You may not have noticed the gradual differences either during phone calls, e-mails, or short visits. Also, some of our senior clients do not even know where to begin; it is such an overwhelming task for the current energy or health situation.

Ever thought of this? Your parents may not verbalize it, but they could want your permission to make a change. They do not know your reaction to selling the family home and moving. Or some parents say their children will let them know when it is time to move. Your parents may need your emotional support just as you did when you faced the transition to college and adulthood.

Parents sometimes do not realize children may be in denial. It is difficult for children to break the child-parent mold of parents being the rock and foundation, always there -- not someone who needs support. Especially is this true when there is a geographic separation or periodic communication primarily by phone or e-mail. Or, it can also happen when children see parents daily!

If possible, allow your parents to make the decision themselves, but tell them if or when it occurs, you are there for support and guidance. It is much better to handle this major transition with your parents, not for them -- or not immediately after a death.

TLC is a valuable resource as these pages cannot possibly cover all situations. Remember outsiders are objective, can see the big family picture, and can provide suggestions family members (or angels) might hesitate to mention. In addition to Virginia's and Sue's training and research, we are not 20-year olds. We understand since we personally are or have been in all the shoes: children of aging parents, caregivers of a very difficult parent in-law, as well as the sorters and downsizes of numerous homes -- "We've been there - done that!"

Here are 10 reasons* to talk with your parents:

1. To learn as much as possible about your parent?s current legal and financial affairs. (And where are all those documents located? Are they up-to-date? Are they in a secure location?)

2. To learn about the wishes or your parents, during their later years and after their death. How do they feel about staying in their present home or moving on? Are they lonely? Do they feel safe in their neighborhood? What is their greatest fear in aging?

3. To help provide information and guidance about all aging resources.

4. To help make decisions with parents about financial affairs and their future.

5. To learn more about their lives, their memories, and family history.

6. To provide a sense of heritage for you and your children.

7. To learn about you, your life and your relationship with your parents.

8. To help parents maintain dignity and as much control over their lives as possible.

9. To help parents cope with aging and adapt to change.

10. To talk about their feelings and reactions.

*Adapted from Bart Astor, Baby Boomer's Guide to Caring for Aging Parents,

1998, Macmillan Spectrum, pg 12.

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